#18 The Adaptive Dilemma Part 1 (Sneak Peek)
Early release of a forthcoming article
I just finished this article for the Guardian Academy. It will be published in the next couple of weeks, along with Part 2 and Part 3. I am breaking the rules and sharing part one early, here.
Problems, solutions and the role we play…
…and why new technology never works the way we want it to.
Technology improves in leaps and bounds.
The human condition does not.
Why not?
The Adaptive Dilemma. A three part series exploring and breaking down how and why the human condition doesn’t improve nearly as fast as everything around us - and what you can do about it.
Seeking Dopamine Without Effort Will Destroy A Person
- Andrew Huberman
We told you we use this quote a lot. You’ll see it many more times throughout the Adaptive Dilemma Series. The Guardian Academy commandments were designed with the “Adaptive Dilemma” in mind - specifically:
TGA Commandment 2: Walk The Earned Path and
TGA Commandment 3: Know Yourself.
Below are common statements that you will hear - or maybe utter yourself - without thinking deeply about the implication(s):
“I got wrecked by Bitcoin.”
“Why don’t doctors do their job?”
“Ugh, politicians, they’re the worst.”
While these statements may not be false, they aren’t necessarily true, either. There are variables, or accompaniments, missing. Important ones. See: Rocky Road.
We’re going to dig deeper into this, but first we have to make our assumptions as explicit as possible.
Assumption: You want things to get better for you (A higher probability of favorable outcomes).
If this assumption is not true, you can stop reading and go about your day. However, if the statement is true read on. Prepare to open some loops and sit with them for a bit.
Onward.
Karpman’s Drama Triangle
Karpman’s Drama Triangle suggests that there are three roles that need to be filled for drama to start and to continue.
The Victim Says “I’m helpless”. Oftentimes, they are completely unaware they are playing the role of the victim, which is why thinking deeply about your language is so important. More on that shortly.
The Rescuer Says “Let me save you.” The rescuer is the “savior”. They are generally the most dangerous of the three. In an attempt to avoid their own problems - but still feel productive - they seek other people to rescue. The rescuer will carry people that are capable of learning how to walk on their own, effectively crippling those people for life. And then they will pat themselves on the back for it.
In order for the rescuer to maintain their position, they need a victim. In order for there to be a victim, there needs to be a villain:
The Persecutor.
Don’t get us wrong, there are absolutely nefarious people - real villains. But the reality is that most “villains” are made up - not by the victim but by the rescuer that needs the victim to remain a victim - else they will have to face their own problems
One person can and will often rotate through all three roles, depending on which one allows them to avoid handling their own problems.
How can one avoid being stuck in and perpetuating the triangle?
Refuse to rescue people that are capable of helping themselves.**
Stop victimizing yourself.
In both cases the path is the same: work on your own issues. Generally speaking, the most efficient and effective way to remove yourself from the triangle starts with the language that you use.
**Refusing to rescue someone is not the same as refusing to help them. You can think of it as: refuse to carry people, show them how to walk on their own.
Language Matters
Auditing and thinking deeply about your own language. There are three areas we look at when examining our language:
Precision in questions (asking what you mean to ask).
Precision in answers (answering what was asked).
Colloquial speech patterns and self-efficacy.
Precision In Questions
Here are three common questions you will hear - or maybe ask yourself:
What is protein?
What is crypto?
Are Oreos bad?
What is protein?
The answer:
This probably wasn’t the answer you were looking for though. Most of the time when someone asks “What is protein?” they think they are asking:
“Should I eat more protein?”
“How much protein should I eat?”
“How do I know if I’m eating enough protein?”
“How do I know if I need more protein?”
”What happens if I don’t eat enough protein?”
If the person on the other end answered the question you asked (“what is protein”) it’s probably going to irritate you. But that’s your fault - you didn’t ask what you meant to ask and you are asking the other part to guess what you actually meant.
Unfortunately, most of us aren’t mind readers.
If you cannot articulate and effective question, you cannot get an effective answer. The inability to get an effective answer leads to feelings of helplessness - we start to drift into victimhood.
Before you ask “what is crypto?” or “are Oreos bad?” think deeply about what you are trying to ask.
Do you want to know if you should invest in crypto? That is a different question.
Do you want to know if you should keep Oreos in the house? That is a different question.
Practicing the art of articulating effective questions will improve your self-efficacy - and help keep you out of the triangle.
Precision In Answers
Let’s approach it from the opposite end.
Asking what you mean to ask it important. So is answering what was actually asked.
What is protein?
What is crypto?
Are Oreos bad?
If someone asks “what is crypto?” and your response is “You should get some Bitcoin”
…You’re not answering the question asked. You’re making a leap of logic, an assumption, about what they are trying to ask. They may actually mean to ask “What crypto should I buy?” - but that isn’t what they actually asked.
To keep yourself and the other party out of the triangle, practice clarifying, first. Recognize when you’re making a leap of logic - and then test that leap of logic.
Example:
Them: “What is crypto?”
You: “Do you want to know what crypto is, or do you want to know if you should purchase some? Or are you asking which one you should buy?”
Whichever it is, answer that question - not the one you think they should ask, but the question they do ask.
Assumptions, when not made explicit create the illusion of communication. The illusion of communication leads to reality not meeting expectations. Reality not meeting expectations leads to anxiety and feelings of helplessness.
Ask what you mean to ask.
Answer the question that was asked.
Colloquial Speech Patterns & Self Efficacy
Specificity in questions and answers will improve dialogue with others. Examining our everyday, colloquial speech will improve our thought process and dialogue with self.
We often victimize ourselves without knowing it.
Here’s an example:
“Oreos make me fat.”
This implies that a sleeve of Oreos snuck into your apartment and tied you down while you were asleep and then forced themselves down your throat against your will.
That’s probably not what happened.
Contrast the above statement with:
“I don’t have very good self control around Oreos, I can’t eat just one or two of them. So, it’s best for me not to keep them around the house”
This might seem like it’s basically the same thing. It’s not.
In the second statement you have acknowledged your role in both the unfavorable outcome and prevention the unfavorable outcome. The first statement - “Oreos make me fat” is a victimizing statement - and it’s untrue. Whereas the first statement robs you of your power, the second statement implies that you are aware of reality and have power over the outcome.
Other popular example:
“Bitcoin wrecked me.”
This implies that you were walking down the street, minding your own business when a giant Bitcoin rolled down the street and crushed you.
Again, probably not the case. Contrast that with:
“I invested too heavily into Bitcoin and was not prepared for the time it would take for it mature - I thought it would hit $100k last December”
We aren’t trying to make the situation better than it is, we are trying to give ourselves a higher level of awareness of reality and thus, power over it.
One more:
“Exercise doesn’t work for me.”
Contrast that with:
“I have tried to exercise, but I have not gotten the results that I expected”**
**In this case, we are taking responsibility for our own expectation(s) - which may have been unreasonable.
Can you see the difference?
The latter examples are taking responsibility for our role in the outcome. It doesn’t change the outcome, but it keeps us out of triangle and gives us power over future outcomes.
Valid Vs Useful
One of the tricks to improve your ability to both ask and answer questions is thinking validity vs usefulness.
Revisiting TGA Foundations 1, when we are communicating we have to be able to discern, “Am I trying to be valid (correct) or useful (helpful)?”
Do you want to know what electricity is or do you want to know how to turn the lights on?
There is no right or wrong answer, they are just different things.
The Adaptive Dilemma can seem harsh, and that’s okay.
You are human, which means you have a tremendous capacity to do amazing things. Focusing on language can help unlock or unleash that capacity.
Recap
Reflect on the questions you ask.
Are your assumptions explicit?
Are you assuming the assumption of others?
Are you victimizing yourself unknowingly?
Reflect on the answers you give.
Are your assumptions explicit?
Are you assuming the assumption of others?
Are you victimizing others (or allowing them to victimize themselves) unknowingly?
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Drop your 6WU- Wisdom Comes From Multiple Perspectives
Drop your 6WU into the Adaptive Dilemma thread below.
https://twitter.com/TheGuardianAcad/status/1604846239392010241?s=20&t=VgAIyqLsnEAOE0JQyeP-dA
Resources:
Guardian Academy Ten Commandments
Part 2: Dogmatic V Scientific Orientation
Coming Soon.