#15 Beware Your Own Pack - The Tyrants
Two Tyrants of Leadership and Wolf Pups
“A Champion is someone that has honored their gifts and fulfilled their potential”
-Dr. Jeff Spencer
Dr. Jeff Spencer can be seen rocking a Wolf Pup #0 hat from time to time. That alone makes him a fan favorite. He is also one of the greatest performance coaches of all time. His secret? Help people honor their gifts and reach their full potential.
I was on a walk the other day when I realized how difficult it is to get out of our own way. Especially when the biggest obstacles are invisible.
Every time I take my wolf pups for a walk, I learn something new. Usually, it's because I'm walking. Walking is super-food for the brain. Sometimes it's from observing my two little idiots engage with the world.
Jasper and Tundra are litter mates. That surprises people because they look so different and have different personalities. Jasper inherited most of his qualities from our mom; a 160lb Arctic wolf. He's got the prey drive, the webbed feet, and likes to show his "mean teeth". Tundra is more like their dad. He was a big, blue-eyed Siberian husky.
Tundra is curious about all things and has boundless energy. Jasper's interests are limited to things he can eat, things that might scratch his belly, and hogging all the pillows.
Jasper wants to be the Alpha. When we walk, he stays a few inches ahead of Tundra. It's always a few inches. If Tundra slows down, Jasper will slow down as to not get too far ahead. If Tundra speeds up, Jasper will speed up.
Jasper is always working to maintain the positioning and the distance.
Makes me wonder who is really in charge, but that's another conversation for another day.
Back to our walkies...
We're walking and I’m thinking about testing this idea - more like a question - I had been pondering.
So I move Tundra slightly to the left. Without any prompting, Jasper also moved to the left to maintain the distance. Then, I moved Jasper to the right and, again without prompting, Tundra moves to close the distance.
They are pack animals. They have a keen sense of positioning and distance - especially amongst or between each other.
Humans aren’t so different.
Especially when they are in the presence of the people they have known the longest.
It seems that groups of people have some hierarchy they have adopted. They have some level they maintain and a distance they are comfortable with. The weirdest part is that it's typically completely arbitrary.
Get with a group of close friends and try it:
Raise your voice and notice how everyone else’s voice rises. Lower it and everyone else will lower theirs. Walk a little faster and everyone else will pick up their pace, slow it down and they will slow down to match your speed.
If they are a step behind you they will raise their pace to stay a step behind you. If they are a step ahead of you, they will increase their pace to stay a step ahead. If they can't keep up they'll try and slow you down - more on that shortly.
The important thing to realize is this:
There is a gap between you and them. Once the positioning and the size of the gap become comfortable they will fight like hell to maintain it
Because they are hardwired to do so.
In the wild, this is good for survival.
It works because, in the wild, wolves and other pack animals don't have any pack members saying:
"Okay, I'm comfortable. Instead of going out to hunt, I'm going to eat pizza, watch Netflix, and guzzle a six-pack every day"
When pack members don't want to put effort into improving, they become dangerous to others that do.
If you want to make forward progress and your friend group doesn't - you will create distance.
And they will feel it with every bone in their body
Since they are unable or unwilling to close the gap with their own effort, they'll try and sabotage you. It's not always malicious - it's just how they're wired.
Like my Pups, humans also feel like they are part of a particular “pack”. They will do everything within their power to prevent other members from creating distance. Sometimes, it makes sense. It's coming from a place of scarcity, to stay close to what is familiar is a survival instinct.
It's a great strategy for those that just want to survive. But not for those that want to thrive.
Growth creates distance. To grow towards something, you also have to grow away from another thing. The people that have known you the longest, know you as you are now - where you are now.
A question that has come up a lot lately:
“Why don’t people fulfill their potential?”
Randy Massengale, in his infinite wisdom, responded:
“The Two Tyrants of Leadership”
Scrutiny and Expectation
First, let's talk about the people with all the potential in the world - that never realize it. The main reason they never realize it is that they aren't prepared for the scrutiny that comes with it. It's unexpected, and it's magnified by the fact that it comes from their best friends and family.
Everyone around them is trying to prevent them from creating distance. To reach their potential they need to learn how to disconnect, recharge, and gain perspective.
Second, as they start to break free, the expectations become overwhelming. Again, it's not the expectations of strangers, but of their own “pack”.
Make a commitment to growth and follow through. You'll see.
Your best friends, partners, and even family will criticize you for going to bed early instead of staying up like you used to. Or for working late into the weekends instead of watching movies with them like you used to. They will guilt you for "changing".
But it has nothing to do with you - it has everything thing to so with them relative to you. They want to stop whatever is happening
Because they can sense that you are creating distance.
And, if you succeed, they will expect you to share the rewards of that early morning or late night work with them.
Because they can sense that you are creating distance.
So it goes like this:
You decide to make a change - to thrive instead of survive.
Your behavior changes and people around you can sense that you're moving.
They will move with you - to a point.
Once they are unable or unwilling to keep up they will unleash scrutiny to hold you back.
When you succeed anyway, they will expect you to share the rewards with the pack. Yep, the same people that tried to limit your growth will expect the benefits you reap.
It's just how they're wired.
You need to be aware of it to keep yourself out of a spiral.
The scrutiny from our own pack is mentally exhausting, like swimming upstream. If one person does all the swimming - upstream nonetheless - and everyone shares the reward...
That one person is doing 10x the work for 1/100th of the payoff. That's a game you lose even if you win.
Worse, that person has created a monster. The pack is being rewarded for scrutinizing and then refusing to do the work themselves. (this is called: entitlement)
They complain, cause friction, and then reap benefits. It's a gnarly, pavlovian spiral that will burn out anyone - even the most ambitious.
So how can you break the cycle?
First, you have to recognize it.
Second, invite them to join. If someone gives you a hard time for going to bed early so you can work out at 4 am - invite them to come work out with you.
This is their chance to opt into the work and earn the benefits. Inviting them to join is also an opportunity for them to clearly opt out. If they explicitly opt out, they are forfeiting their entitlement later on.
Third, you have to make a decision. Randy Massengale, former advisor to Bill Gates and good friend of ours, says:
"You put it in your tank or you put it in your trunk"
Randy's word are here:
Everybody has something they have to overcome: What extraordinary people understand is that your issues either go in your trunk and you carry them around and they weigh you down or it goes into your tank and you use it as fuel. The most extraordinary people have gone through some amazing catastrophe and they put in their tanks as fuel to do the next thing. They stop and put it in their trunk and then look back and let it weigh them down.
People always remind me of things that I didn’t do right - they may use it without a doubt, but I can use it with confidence. You fail → goes into trunk → carry it around → because you’re carrying around your failure The ones that succeed turn scrutiny and failure into fuel. I’ve met Nelson Mandela a few times and he was in law school getting A’s even when he was in prison on trial for treason.
Believe it or not, the world at large is not the biggest risk to your success. It's the people you are closest to that are hardwired to stay comfortable.
Your progress creates space. That space is new - it's not comfortable. That is why the Wolf Den and The Guardian Academy are primary missions for me and the respective team. A place to build and develop a "pack" that recognizes how to facilitate - not fear - the growth of others.
Also - remember that if you stop scrutinizing others and you stop feeling entitled to other people's results - it's a massive net positive.
There are always two sides to these things.
Don't let your pack hold you back
And don't let yourself hold them back.
Onward
Nic
PS. More on full potential from another wise man (Dr. Jeff Spencer) here